35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (July 20, 2024)

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  • 01
    Janel Comeau @VeryBadLlama "you need to sign for your ADHD medication because it's very addictive" says the pharmacist, as if we both don't know that I'm picking up a refill of a 30-day prescription on day 56 11:44 AM 7/7/24 From Earth 3.7M Views • • 7.1K Reposts 667 Quotes 115K Likes 3K Bookmarks
  • 02
    phil @PhilJamesson Officer: do you know why I pulled you over Me: no sir My Parrot: yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson 10:45 AM 12/15/16 1.7K Reposts 34 Quotes 9.7K Likes 146 Bookmarks
  • 03
    @horsepower I was browsing Facebook Marketplace looking for more cool car listings and came across this instead • 11:56 PM 7/11/24 From Earth 3.9M Views 7.6K Reposts 456 Quotes 130K Likes 8K Bookmarks
  • 04
    P Pittsburgh Pirates → @Pirates We hit so many home runs that we ran out of fireworks. We're being serious. . 9:14 PM 7/5/24 From Earth . 1.2M Views 1.6K Reposts 266 Quotes 17K Likes 268 Bookmark
  • 05
    george @stackofbears Incredible things are happening on my bag of legumes 2% *The % Daily Value (DV) tells you how much a nutrient in a serving of food contributes to a daily diet. 2,000 calories a day is used for general nutrition advice. Ingredient: Organic Fenugreek Seed Manufactured for: Anthony's Tarzana, CA 91356 Certified Organic by CCOF mese golden-b actually considere yet heavenly aroma Soak these seeds add them to spice variety of Middle Ea Anthony's Organi Non-GMO, Glute Share your fa
  • 06
    PierreJouet @PierreJouet My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer's, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off". 10:32 AM 7/13/24 From Earth 3.9M Views 8.4K Reposts 686 Quotes
  • 07
    Sober Sister Casey "Cici" Coo.. @soneall89 When you've finished all the little puzzles on your phone before 8:30 9:35 AM 7/11/24 From Earth - 1.8M Views 3.1K Reposts 141 Quotes 56K Likes 1K Bookmarks
  • 08
    gaut @0xgaut so much to unpack here StubHub Software Engineering Career 6d. Unfollow StubHub ahshsajaj Looking for a chill 500k+ job I'm a software developer with 5 years of experience and I'm looking for a new job to settle down. I'm looking for a chill job with non toxic relationships, fine WLB (no more than 40 hours/week) that still pays reasonable amount of money. So far my search didn't produce companies that fulfill all 3 requirements. If your company does, please please please let me know
  • 09
    Justin Joque @jjoque I hope they are never able to fix all of these. I love them so much first person to backflip All Images Videos News Shopping Maps Books More On a bike Reddit dit Di Dirt bike Monster truck Al Overview Learn more: It's difficult to trace the origins of the backflip, but some say that John Backflip performed the first backflip in 1316 in medieval Europe. However, Backflip was eventually exiled after his rival, William Front Flip, convinced the ALTlic that Backflip was using wi
  • 10
    JAVELINTHROWA @angerrv2 Stood too close to the scanner ffs NSA MIC DUNNES STORES S NCR 1 item MONSTER PIPE €5.10 MONSTER PIPE Please scan next item. Q Search Key In Code yrid 0.000 kg Total ay €5.1
  • 11
    Alex Press @alexnpress Today 11:44 PM Lisbon is amazing Even better than Hoboken 12:48 AM - 7/12/24 From Earth 1.4M View 916 Reposts 106 Quotes 24K Likes E
  • 12
    Frank J. Fleming @IMAO_ The average age of the signers of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776 was 44 years old, but more than a dozen were 35 or younger: Abraham Lincoln: 33 Dwight Eisenhower: 39 Mr. T: 25 Timothée Chalamet: 21 Peter Parker: 18 Brittney Spears: 20 The Count from Sesame Street: 41 Jack Bauer: 44 11:32 PM 7/7/24 From Earth 2.8M Views
  • 13
    Dev @Dervine7 benjamin franklin's role in the american revolution feels made up. like oh ok, one of the characters is an ancient wizard 10:06 PM 7/7/24 From Earth 912K Views • 1.9K Reposts 99 Quotes 38K Likes 1.9K Bookmarks
  • 14
    Richy Craven @RichyCraven • 1d ... Random memory of when I was doing a food tour in Paris and the guide was waxing lyrical about French butter to the point where he went round everybody on the tour "Where are you from? US? Your butter is terrible? Netherlands? Not as good as French butter." and so on (1/2) ₁ 7M ☐ 1 312 1.9K 62K Richy Craven @RichyCraven Then he got to us and we said we were from Ireland. He paused and then with extreme gravity he said "Irish butter is comparable to French." and
  • 15
    Hannah @hannnahmmarie do you have a normal job or would an honest answer to "what's going on at work?" ruin literally any dinner party you attend 4:15 PM 5/29/24 From Earth 234K Views 236 Reposts 112 Quotes 2.4K Likes 154 Bookmarks
  • 16
    Dok @Dok845 I don't know how to express this idea, but I'm nostalgic for Beyonce being the normal amount of famous. ✰ COWBOY CARTER Updates @B7AL... · 15h Beyoncé x Bionicle advert, Circa 2002 ON CLE LEGO BICNISLE
  • 17
    evan @evangrizlon My dog the second i accidentally drop his leash BBC NEWS Let me say this as clearly and simply as I can: I'm running Joe Biden US President • 11:04 AM 7/5/24 From Earth - 326K Views . 844 Reposts 23 Quotes 17K Likes 353 Bookmarks
  • 18
    sam @samuellllm Me when I walk past the shovel that makes you laugh 8:35 PM 7/11/24 From Earth . 2.6M Views
  • 19
    leon @witchdaddio megan thee stallion and timothée chalamet share an age, height, and middle name • 7:29 AM 4/23/24 From Earth 46K Views 11 Reposts 189 Likes 9 Bookmarks 27 Joe Joe @sgtnotjoejoe⚫2h they have the same middle name too WOW Q1 27 17 lil 1.8K 企
  • 20
    amanda → @noturtlesoup17 Kim Kardashian sliced the top of her finger off, and the speculation over on the Keeping up with the Kardashians subreddit is that her Cybertruck's door is to blame. • 11:26 PM 7/11/24 From Earth • 1.4M Views 635 Reposts 107 Quotes 24K Likes 937 Bookmarks
  • 21
    liv▸ @oliviabrxtn I need a therapist that works with self aware people. Like I already know I'm up and the trauma that brought it but how can we fix this . 1:22 PM 7/9/24 From Earth • 2M Views 8.5K Reposts 987 Quotes
  • 22
    AR @ayannawhoooop boy have I IG: @DrippyyyNailz @HunnyyyBayeeee .1d Y'ALL EVER SEEN A HORSE IN REAL LIFE ? 10:37 AM 7/12/24 From Earth • 2.1M Views 6K Reposts 398 Quotes 28K Likes 1.4K Bookmarks
  • 23
    Noah Verrier @NoahVerrier My oil painting of an Espresso Martini and Uncrustable
  • 24
    David @davecoolatta Well neither did I but now that you put this out I have questions * RI State Police @RIState Police .7h RHODE STATE POLICE The Rhode Island State Police is in close contact with local, state, and federal law enforcement agencies and our fusion center works 24/7 to synthesize intelligence and provide us with actionable information. We have no reason to believe that the incident in Pennsylvania has any connection to Rhode Island. 1:12 PM 7/14/24 From Earth. 3.3M Views
  • 25
    J JD Ross @justindross Paternity testing is illegal in France to "preserve family peace" this is the most French thing I've ever heard 3:37 PM 7/13/24 From Earth - 573K Views 671 Reposts 87 Quotes 11K Likes 891 Bookmarks
  • 26
    Timmy&Jimmy ❤ @mickeywon234 when I'm crossing the street and a car acts like they not gonna stop 2:02 PM 7/13/24 From Earth . 1.2M Views • 8.7K Reposts 497 Quotes
  • 27
    BECADE ENTRANCE Molly Lambert @mollylambert • Jul 15 ... never sounded more Irish Catholic than today when I vocalized out loud my belief that having air conditioning was something I needed to earn through enduring hardship (no air conditioning) first
  • 28
    Vivid Vivka @Vivid Vivka 14h Niche tweet PHONE : 01 6673002 Keshk Cafe Restaurant OPE Psycho Killer Keshk Cafe Tel: 01 6673002 K bk Cafe Restaurant K
  • 29
    bee @FINNSCARDIGAN • Jul 17 why is the paris olympics logo quinn fabray with a bob TM PARIS 2024
  • 30
    Sylvian (#1 Skinamarink Fan) @TheAlexSylvian ⚫ Jul 16 catch me at the 445 longlegs infants screening MAIKA MONROE NICOLAS CAGE LONGLEGS WRITTEN DIRECTE OSGOOD PERKINS NEON Tue, Jul 23 4:45 pm INFANTS LONGLEGS 7:25 pm 10:00 pm OC >
  • 31
    brian @brianonhere⚫ Jul 17 coworker got a spray tan and today her emoji skin tone is one shade darker
  • 32
    kida @kidasnow. Jul 16 slept at 1am instead of 4am 206 123K 225K Ill 4.2M Σ +]
  • 33
    meg succession text posts @successtextpost • Jul 16 ... vehicular anslaugh colin @colinxjames • Jul 15 having coworkers you can queen out with is so important for your health 17 11.9K 31K III 1.3M
  • 34
    remand chic @our_jesse 22h The bedroom ibuprofen became the kitchen ibuprofen and now that's gone I've got to get the car ibuprofen because I can't find the handbag ibuprofen 45 17 2.5K 35K lil 809K ☐ 1
  • 35
    Colby Gordon @badinfinity2 Jul 17 the two genders Toys for Learners RU houn 19 16 Dog Treat Maze 15 URU 15 hown 24 hound 72 21 Dog To Treat Locking 18.3K hound 249 Toys for Destroyers BENTO BENTOBALL STARMARK BENTOBALL 11 INVINCIBLE CHAINS STARMARK Everlasting TREAT BENTOBAL 115K III 1.8M ☐ 1
  • 36
    jordan @mosscircle intuitive eating is so funny as a concept. my body has never intuited that it is time to stop eating cheese and crackers 11:18 AM ⚫ Jul 17, 2024 1M Views

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